Before You Learn The Hard Way
Sit down, lets talk about friendship
If you missed the BlackBerry period, I am sorry, but not sorry, you missed out on a generational movement (lol). There was nothing quite like it at the time. Samsung and iPhone could never 😑. There were songs about it, movies about it. I remember my first BlackBerry, I could finally say “Ping me and screen munch.” I am sure you probably get the gist.
Now, why take you down the long forgotten memory lane? Amongst many things I enjoyed about my BlackBerry were the screen savers. I always loved quotes, and my favourite screen saver said: “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” I had it saved and it was sort of a personal mantra. These streets were hard, no time for soft girl.
As I have grown and matured, I realize how unwise or maybe incomplete that quote really is. What do I mean? Like many quotes and “random advice” you see on social media, while good and have been helpful to me, it often lacks context. You know that “5 signs your friend is a red flag“ video you watched, and you were nodding aggressively, until point 4, when they mentioned that you withdraw and don’t talk when you’re angry and rather than pause and ask yourself “Am I also the red flag?” you think, no, that’s for Loreen.
Now, I think and reiterate that the quote is incomplete. Why? Because you may truly be a priority, just not in every season, and that’s okay. So before you deprioritize someone, can you at least do me a favour and consider the following:
1. Start with finding out why: I remember a good friend of mine, let’s call her Carol. Probably one of my best friends even. However, I remember at one point noticing that my texts received a lower response rate and she wasn’t as available. Now, going back to the initial mantra, this was time to check out. Carol is treating me as an option, time to deprioritize her. After all, it’s Energy for Energy, Band to Band, Potato for Potato, Okra for Okra (you get the gist😏). If I were living by my screensaver, that would mean slower responses whenever she texted, intentionally not taking her calls, and so on. I could also do the very African thing, which is to call and guilt trip her with a perfect opener: “You have forgotten me. You don’t care about me.“ Which may very well not be true.
Or maybe, a more considerate decision, which is at the root of everything: “I miss my friend and this is unlike her, let me clarify.“ Thankfully by God’s help, I did the latter. I picked up my phone and told my friend I missed her and didn’t understand what was happening. She responded and got right to the truth; she had a lot going on. We hung out recently, laughed so much, and have done so several times since.
As I type this, I can’t help but think: what if I had decided not to fight for my friend? I would have lost her. You may ask, “well, if they cared, they would reach out.” But has life ever hit you so hard that honestly, you don’t want to talk to anyone? You don’t have the capacity and you are not considering how they feel at the moment. While unfair it may happen to the best of us. At times, it could just be a priority shift for a season. Why do you demand front row seats in someone’s life at EVERY moment?
2. It could mean that you are not a priority: This is the hardest pill to swallow. I had a colleague I really admired. I remember just wanting us to be friends. We worked on a project together and hit it off from the start. However, as time progressed, I realized I just wasn’t that friend to her. It hurt me. It wasn’t until I became comfortable with this truth that things shifted. I am not the friend she prioritizes and I am not referring to seasonal priority as in point 1.
I mean it is clear that she doesn’t prioritise our friendship. I am just not it for her. While it was uncomfortable, it was also liberating. I redefined our relationship. I reduced my expectations. I didn’t want to demonize her or paint her as a terrible person, because the truth is she wasn’t. I just wasn’t her person and that’s okay. So if someone makes you an option, it could genuinely be that you are one to them. The response is not to block them or gossip (by the way, never a good option). The right thing is to accept it, set boundaries, and move on. Be kind, and don’t burn bridges except when absolutely necessary, which is VERY important sometimes.
3. Realize you have done the same thing: I don’t care if you think you are the sweetest thing on earth, you have probably done it too. One of the most valuable lessons I learned from economics is opportunity cost. For every opportunity or time spent on something, there is a cost. There is someone you probably didn’t prioritize. Realizing this helps you extend grace.
My friend Kedi was planning a big event. Now, when I prep for events, I really don’t like bothering people. I just do my thing and invite you. One day, Kedi chatted me up and said she had something to share. She said she was hurt and felt like I hadn’t prioritized her. She expected me to check in on her, ask how preparations were going, show up for her in ways I simply hadn’t and she wanted to let me know how that made her feel.
Rather than get defensive, I honestly appreciated my friend more in that moment, because she could have assumed so many things: that I was jealous, that I only show up when I have the time. But that wasn’t the truth at all. It didn’t even cross my mind to check on her as she wanted, because I wouldn’t have minded if she hadn’t checked in on me like that either, at least to that extent. In fact, I would probably find it slightly stressful if she did so because I would have to think of an answer. If I needed her help, I would ask. I quickly apologized, retraced my steps and became more intentional.
But I realized something. People often express care how they would love to receive it. I wasn’t not prioritizing her. I just didn’t prioritize the way she wanted to be cared for at that moment because it wasn’t a priority to me to be checked in on at the extent she desired (please check on me lol oo!)
So as we wrap up today, if someone makes you an option or you feel sidelined:
Find out why first
Accept that you may genuinely be an option to them, and restructure your expectation and redefine the relationship accordingly without resentment.
Realize you have probably done the same to someone, and extend grace
I look back at Carol and Kedi and realize I could have lost them both over something I could have simply talked through. Don’t lose friends over something a conversation can fix. It’s not worth it. Been there, done that, don’t recommend.
As African women, we have been taught so many things, “don’t be vocal, don’t show them you care, don’t let them see that it hurts”. But I want to challenge that. Vulnerability in friendship is not desperation. Some of the relationships worth keeping will require you to pick up the phone first, and say “I miss you.”
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