Before You Learn The Hard Way
Sit down, let's talk about access
I remember my first day at let's just call it XYZ organization. I was a bright-eyed young graduate. I was thrilled that I finally got to work, but I was also anxious because this was a new city, new people, and I really disliked being the new girl. It felt like everyone was watching you, waiting for you to fail or do something wrong. I was constantly thinking
"Should I talk or not?"
"Why is everyone quiet?"
"Is my cloth weird?"
"Why did I laugh out like that, your laughter sounds croaky"
You get the gist. Anyway, a nice older lady initiated a conversation with me and we hit it off. She became sort of an older mentor to me and eventually my supervisor. Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, and we worked so closely together. I learned a lot from her.
She was kind to me. She did not treat me as just a new staff member, but also like a colleague. I looked up to her and sang her praises to everyone. Now, if you have read to this point, you are probably thinking, what could go wrong? Well, a slight change began to happen in my heart.
With every inch of proximity, I started noticing her imperfections. I noticed that maybe she was not the strong leader I thought she was. I did not always agree with the way she worked.
In a couple of months, my supervisor, who at one point seemed like the epitome of excellence, became small in my eyes. She was no longer just a mentor to me. She became someone I started thinking I was better than in some ways. This was not obvious to me at first. It was subtle.
The easiest way I can explain it is with the Nigerian phrase: “see finish.”
What I conveniently forgot was that everyone has a weakness. Think of the best person you dream of working with. With proximity to anyone, even the person you look up to, you will see some loopholes. Guaranteed.
This in itself is not bad. It is just human nature. Even you, “Little Miss Perfect,” have some flaws, even if they are not obvious to you yet lol 😏. The question then is: what do you do with what you see?
Back to my story.
I recall one day we were waiting for something and having a conversation, and I slapped her shoulder nonchalantly. Then it hit me: this was still a professional relationship, and I had crossed the line. I was hoping she did not notice, but she did.
You see, the little thought in my heart had grown. This was not a random person. In fact, she had become the Assistant Director in less than a year. No matter what, I should have maintained the boundaries.
Proximity to her was a gift she gave me, but I had been irresponsible with it. I had seen her flaws so much and focused on them so much that I ignored the obvious.
She was human, yes, but she was also my supervisor, my mentor, and someone whose position and investment in me still deserved respect.
Proximity is a responsibility. It requires so much wisdom to handle it.
You see that mentor you are annoyed at because they cannot use AI, and you begin to wonder, “How did they even get to be a supervisor?” Or maybe you think, “Why are they not stronger in this area?” Be careful.
I quickly retraced my steps and told myself: I don’t care what I see, this is someone I respect, and I will always work to honor that relationship with wisdom.
Access is quite tricky. Because it is a responsibility
Your mentor is your mentor. Your mentor can be kind. Your mentor can even become friendly. But remember, no matter how warm or accessible they are, you are responsible for maintaining that boundary.
I have seen so many mentor-mentee relationships go down the drain because someone forgot that access is not entitlement.
So, as you gain access to people, remember this: access is a gift. When someone opens their time, experience, network, or wisdom to you, handle it well. You may see their flaws. You may not always agree with them. You may even realize they are still learning too. But none of that removes the need for respect. Your mentor can be warm, kind, and friendly, but you are still responsible for maintaining healthy boundaries.
The opportunity you once craved and cried, can easily begin to seem like crumbs. This is why I am very careful when we use " I outgrew this or that." Growth is certain, but carefully decipher how to treat what you feel you have outgrown.
Always remember:
Familiarity is not permission.
Access is not entitlement.
Proximity is responsibility.